This is a monologue that I wrote for my best friend Faith Hanstater - I had hoped it would be ready for the Edinburgh Festival some years ago! I don't get a lot of time to devote to my writing so this play is still a work in progress....shame on me. Its a little bit Alan Bennet, the spelling and grammar are appalling and there are some areas which need some serious work....nevertheless I wanted to share it = perhaps a little comment here and there would spur me on.
Once Upon a Life
By Emma Tomlinson
The stage is black bar lights featuring bathroom ‘furniture’. Centre stage is the bath. Lights up – reveals a woman sitting on the side of a bath in a skirt and blouse holding a rubber duck.
Woman
[sighs]
There, you see! Now I am thinking about Toby - today of all days and I really didn't want to think about him today or that shop. Of course, his last words were 'hope you sell the salmon whole'. I was there. He had slipped on a piece of haddock tossed there by that red-headed boy...what was his name? I was always telling him not to throw the fish about but he would keep doing it...body odour..half-wit....COLIN! Thats the one...Toby, Colin's dad, had just bought himself the largest salmon I had ever seen from two very odd looking men - one had a squint and the other was slightly lame.... Spent hours washing it...it shone so brightly in the centre of the window display. He kept it whole and was really not keen to have it chopped up into steaks...he went on and on about it...as if it mattered somehow. I always just agreed. And then Toby, flushed with the thought of that salmon being sold and his till heaving...said he had to go out and he got out of his white coat, donned that ghastly tweed jacket and turned to me and said those words 'I hope you sell the salmon whole' and WOOSH!....there he was all tangled on the floor and that bloody Colin laughing....there was a big piece of grey fish stuck on the sole of Toby's shoe...awful shoes he wore....and do you know, he was Dead...yes. Bloody Dead. Right in front of me. Well, my Mother...she never let me do my Saturday shift in there again, I can tell you. Those were the days before Health and Safety. Mmmm, I don't like thinking about Toby at all....
When I think about Toby then I always have to remember Her too. Veronica Culwell. All buck teeth and mousy tired hair. She spat when she spoke. Very alarming. Mother wouldn't have her round to ours...didn't want spittal on the Good Settee. Poor Veronica. One had to stand a good foot away...and she had awful breath. Although I found out that by accident one day as I had never really allowed myself to get too close. There we all were at the Church Hall where the stalls were set up for yet another Jumble Sale and in comes Veronica with her forcefully jolly mother....Janet or Jean or something rather Scottishy. Anyway, they were doing bric a brac and my Mother announces she would like a new vase so I volunteered to have a look at Veronica's stall [guffaw] - she set her stall out, I can tell you... How on earth was I supposed to know she was a lesbian? The sadistic bitch lured me under the tressel table to look at green glass vases...well, it looks like that way now....and WOOSH! there we were all legs and saliva....breath like a ten day old fish....and I had to pay for the broken vases...all my hard earned. I wasn't pleased, I can tell you. Veronica Culwell. Hateful cow. My first bloody kiss...ruined.
The Second Kiss was even worse....
The Other Children called him Tom Titty...of course we found out later his Mother who was friends with my Mother well...she was completely bonkers and fed that boy some kind of contraceptive meant for women and the hormones....no-one knows why but Mother thought it was because Lotty (that was her name) had always wanted a girl...well he had breasts all the 4th graders were envious of....his voice was squeaky too as if he had a permanent source of helium ...... and his chins wobbled when he laughed....and of course his manners were a disgrace at the table. There, you see, I sound just like my Mother now. The chewing. Oh god it was awful....a sort of gastronomic horror film....
[Woman now in full swing enjoying her ghastly trip down memory lane - she stands and walks to the sink where she places Duck on the shelf below a mirror and says the next lines are said into the mirror]
As it turned out, he had no attractive qualities I could think of but he seemed to find me a source of infinite attraction...the mirror on a stick was the limit...I had to keep my gym shorts on for most of that year...quite! And then there was that Bitch of a girl...Chelsea Heatherington...yes, her Father was Charles Heatherington...all gloss and charm...Nina and I loved him so much. [Sighs]
[Woman turns from sink lifting Duck as she does so and leans back against sink with face to audience]
I should have guessed something wasn't right when I spotted Chelsea speaking to Tom Titty outside the Art Studio...Bitch....but I just thought 'thats odd' and that was that until 1.55pm on that Thursday. I know it was a Thursday because it started with double English and double Maths. The worst start to any day I can imagine..well, nothing, but nothing compared to the horror of seeing Tom Titty running towards me as if in slow motion with his breasts undulating through his cheap white shirt....I was so shocked I couldn't move.... There I was just coming out of the packed lunch hall....and WOOSH he was on me with his wet lips against mine and sort of grunting...and his sticky, fat body pressing against me....he put the tongue in you know....I couldn't face luncheon meat after that. Mother was so upset as it was one of my Favourites....I just couldn't tell her....and she would keep asking why...apparently Chelsea had been willing to pay Tom 25p for her cheap thrill but as it turned out he did it for nothing...I can still hear that Bitch laughing....
[Woman goes back and sits on bath - addresses Duck]
Do you eat so many Minstrels you make yourself sick but you can't stop because they taste so choclately and good and crunchy and sweet and thick and? [to audience]
....you would think that once you had thrown up on Minstrels you wouldn't be able to face them again...but that is not the case. I find that I can play Minstrel-Sick at any time over and over again...of course there is probably some name for this like...Repetitive Self Induced Regurgitation of Minstrels and/or other Chocolates. RSIR for short.
'Doctor, I think I have Minstrel RSIR, what can you recommend?'
'Less Minstrels you greedy bitch' replied the genial GP....
[giggles to self]
Of course Daddy wasn't well an awful lot of the time....terrible stomach....he did have a bit of stressful life I suppose.....
Daddy was home that weekend..ah, yes, it must have been a Friday evening...he 'worked away' a lot...they had been silent all through supper except for Mother's sniff. She often Sniffed Disapproval as if her nasal passages were the source of all her moral senses...I tried to speak to Daddy over the mash but he wouldn't look at me...I was a little peeved at the time...after all, we hadn't seen him for weeks. And of course Sheila Grollath, his secretary, aka 'Shameless Hussy' (Mother said) had just been off the phone. Daddy had been doing the Urgent Whisper bit so I knew not to upset Mother. And I knew Daddy would get ill if I said anything about the phone call ... Actually, Daddy told me years later that it was Mother's cooking that did for him....well, I think he said that but the oxygen mask made conversation so difficult. So, he had kept his head bent all the way through supper...Anyway, Mother suddenly announced at the end of our meal that I was to have nothing more to do with Nina....
Well, I was shocked and tried to protest...
I think I wimpered a bit and I remember Daddy looking at her in a sort of sad way...
'Yes, well' Mother had said....and that was that. I met Nina in secret after that.
It was a few weeks later that I learned why Mother had suddenly turned against my friend. Mrs Archer who lives next door to Nina and had a Dubious Reputation but was a scream (according to Nina) had been enjoying her evening gin and tonic in the front garden (yes, 4pm is a little early) when she saw Mother passing by and the whole adventure was retold to Nina all and then Nina told me.....
Nina's parents, Graham and Lilly actually Loved each other - so unlike my parents - they laughed together... Mother had been walking past their house on the way back from the Co-op laden with mince as it was a Specials Day...and she just happened to glance over at Nina's house to 'send a wave' as she used to put it when she saw Lilly and Graham you know whatting through the window and of course it was summer so the window was open and she could hear Everything....Nina said that Mrs Archer nearly wet herself laughing as she recalled watching my mother's hand raise up in a wave and then WOOSH, down onto her mouth in a look of absolute horror...Mother had been glued to the spot with shock until Graham saw her through the window and gave her a wave....all his glory on show too....Wicked Man...Mother was never really the same after that....and do you know that Mrs Archer went to live in Giffnock (That's in Scotland) with a Welsh male stripper! Nothing worried Mrs Archer but the neighbourhood was aghast, I can tell you....My Mother wondered if we ought to move in case the sins of our neighbours eventually entered our door...chance would have been a fine thing...
So, Nina and I had met up at the skating rink some Saturdays later - I lied to Mother and said I was seeing a book review at the library. Nina was rather pretty in a sort of fresh-faced kind of way...her mother liked to keep Nina young and didn't like to see makeup on young girls. Oh, my Mother would never have allowed it.....not until I got married at least....Nina was at the rink before me and I remember looking at her and wondering what was different....Lipstick! I could hardly believe my eyes...anyway, she let me put some on too and I felt so Grown Up. Nina was an excellent skater and had pretty legs I remember...I wasn't good at skating and my legs were, well, not so pretty....There we were, skating and having fun when I suddenly got rather dizzy and oh...it was so awful, I was Sick. Horribly sick. Mother's stew came hurtling back out and as I was slowing down from a daring spin = it spiralled around me in ever decreasing circles. WOOSH...carrots and peas....Everyone stopped mid skate and just stared...Then the loudspeaker squealed into action and that Bitch Connie Parish who was no better than she should be, took great delight in announcing my predicament to the world and asked everyone to vacate the rink so that 'the vomit can be removed for your safety...' There I was, left quite alone in the centre of the rink, with a circle of vomit surrounding me and a selection of once-frozen veg stuck to my Woolworths jumper. Even Nina had skated away....
Anyway, there now, talking about being sick, I can remember my first Date with my first Proper Boyfriend like it was yesterday....
Rodney Burrows...
[Woman walks over to the wicker chair and sits - its now lit up and the lights diim on the other furniture – duck on side of bath]
Not a good looking lad, I can tell you...all acne roscea and loose looking - 'gawky' is what Mother said. I had not been out of the house since the Skating Rink Incident but Nina was being rather pushy about going out. Said it didn't matter and that we didn't have to go back to the skating rink...there were other things we could do....Well, I couldn't very well, could I? 'Oh look!' they would say 'There's Retching Rita!' The girl who sicks up stew on ice...' Anyway, Nina just nagged at me until I agreed to meet her outside 'Windy Miller's'........ the NEW Vegetarian Cafe in Bruton Street - Mother said it was a disgrace to allow Hippies into our area.... I turned up there after one of Mother's disastrous souffles and there was Nina all rather dressed up talking to two boys.....I slowed down a pace, I can tell you...Nina spotted me...'Come on Rites...James and Rodney are itching to get to the park...' I sort of tagged along at the back and I have to say I was a bit Shocked. Nina looked rather different and well....a bit of the Sheila Grollaths about her...'Hussy' I thought...two boys....and both of them clearly interested in her newly acquired chest. Pair of old socks more like....We all sort of stood about for a bit in the park and then Nina sat on one of the swings and James dived into the swing next to her. Rodney just stood there shuffling and looking down at his feet...my Mother wouldn't approve of Him, I thought. Too shell suity and well...not quite. Quite. But there, there's no accounting for hormones is there? Rodney just sort of wandered off near the pavilion and I thought he was going home...but he turned round and sort of beckoned me. I looked at Nina to see what I should do but she was in a lip lock with that James so just nodded her head...I had to sort of run and walk and then run again to catch up with Rodney and when he turned and stopped and held out his hand...my heart leaped...I can't think why...it was just....nobody had ever waited for me before....we were hand in hand and it was the most romantic moment of my life...of course, he ruined it minutes later....WOOSH, my bra was loose and my mouth felt like it had holes being drilled into it, oh and....I felt IT y'know...IT. He grabbed my hand and made me...and strangely enough all I could think about was that Mother had felt one of these....at least once....yes, well....he offered to walk me home...and we would have never been spotted if Mother hadn't been leaning over next doors fence blowing dandelion clocks into their prize flower beds...apparently they have Vicious Roots....
It was too late to jump into bushes...and her face....so of course Rodney, who really was quite Devil-May-Care, saunters up to My Mother all very casual only allowing my hand free when I wrenched it out of his, and then Woosh, next thing I know he throws up all over Mother's softest sueduette slippers....'Sorry.' He mumbled..'dodgy kebab'....and off he stumbled...leaving me with Mother....
Nina seemed to just stop asking me to come out after that. I was never quite sure what I had done wrong. I would see her now and again if I was running an errand for Mother...she waved sometimes but she had changed....to look at I mean...and she always seemed to have boys around her....We didn't meet up at school anymore. Well, we had different classes mostly and then of course, she stopped coming to school regularly and that was that....I did see her a few years later...she had a pushchair and was expecting....no man with her that time. I nearly didn't recognise her. She had stopped wearing makeup again and scraped her hair back in a pony tail - hadn't a washed look about her...lucky escape Mother had said....meaning me of course...
Mother wouldn't stop going on about Rodney - 'what was the name of that gawky boy?' she would ask or 'who was that lad you were kissing in the bushes, Rites?' .........always in front of people.....so awful....I wanted to crawl away. She got much worse after Dad left....for good, I mean. He got a flat not far from the skating rink as it happens....I tried to visit a couple of times but Mother would create an awful fuss...and of course, Sheila didn't want me there...too difficult for dad apparently...not good for his digestion to have constant reminders of Mother....no, well, quite. The upside of his departure, if you could call it an upside was that mother abandoned home cooking in favour of ready made meals. She purchased a microwave and a new freezer and that was that....I didn't taste real food for years.....and of course Mother drank.
Every morning just before school, she would throw a couple of bottles into my satchel and dispatch me to school rattling until I disposed of the 'evidence' at the back of Hing Lo's - the dry cleaners run by a Chinese couple....I bet they wondered where all those bottles of sherry came from....
So, I suppose I had better get a move on. Aunt Sal will be here in a minute and I bet she has that low IQ, muscle-bound thing with her.
[Starts to put tights on]
Talking of muscles, after the fiasco with Toby and his fish, I got a full-time job in Victor, Thorn and Wisters. I had to leave school of course…Mother really needed someone to look after her. She lost a lot of weight and of course walking became an issue – her muscles just stopped being muscles and whoosh…her legs gave way all the time. Doctor thought she might be drunk rather a lot but I believe Mother and think it is muscle degeneration or whatever….so I got a juniors job photocopying and making tea. It wasn’t too bad excepting that Mr Wisters did like bottoms – it was like a day in Rome but without the really nice looking Italian men just the sore bottom. And his wind…well, I do wonder he didn’t take off. But there…I am in a good position now…Ty Victor formed his own Company and me and Trudy Willets both got jobs with him. He thinks I am a good worker but I think he only took Trudy on for her large breasts…she can’t type at all and is always very rude to the clients…still, I am happy enough.
I start at 9am and finish at 5pm and it isn’t far from the Fallen Star pub where I can pick up Mother on the way home. Pours onto the number 47 she does…
[Turns to the duck – makes a sad face like a child would do]
No really. I will be okay. Mother always said the house would be mine and even Dad came round to say I mustn’t worry about money and that Mother had a bit tucked away although he wasn’t sure where but the solicitors would know. Ty offered to sort out the will….and would you believe it - Sheila Grollarth stopped by last night and said I was to drop in for my tea any time I liked and here was a new lipstick. She thought I might like to wear it today as it would go with black. Its dark red and frankly Mother would be a little Shocked. Hmm. Quite.
[The doorbell goes]
….there’s the door. That’ll be the hearse. And me with half a leg in my Pretty Polly tights…..
The End
